Looted Logs

The scene of the crime.

Ann was going out to the chicken house this morning, and she happened to notice our seven mushroom logs. This is significant because we have 12 mushroom logs. Five are missing. It’s easy to be sure of the number, as we had to drill several hundred holes in these logs, and with the help of our kids, neighbor kid Scott, and Ann’s parents, inoculated those hundreds of holes with shitake mushroom spores.  How could the logs now be missing? Possible scenarios:

I’ve heard deer like mushrooms. Perhaps they stole the logs? Not possible. Lack of opposable thumbs would have prevented them from carrying them to their deer hideout.

Perhaps squirrels took them. They certainly have the dexterous little paws that allow them to carry things. And they might be looking to get back at me for preying on their kin. But these logs were about 4 feet long, and pretty heavy. Several squirrels would have to work in unison to move one. And based on the observation of squirrels in my yard, their society is a chaotic mess. They can’t agree on anything. No way they could have mustered the cooperation to pull this off. No, it wasn’t squirrels.

Which makes the next most likely suspect humanoid. A crime of opportunity? I don’t think so. I live in a quiet neighborhood that doesn’t really have people wandering through. Even if someone walked by, the logs weren’t visible from the road. If someone wandered into my yard, which has never happened in the 12 years I’ve lived here, all he would have seen was some logs drilled and filled with Styrofoam plugs. Very few people would know what they are. Two months ago I wouldn’t have known what they were, and I’m a farmer/hunter, a proverbial man who’s one with nature. No, it’s unlikely they were stolen by a typical backyard thief.

Maybe someone took them for firewood? Not when it’s 80 degrees outside, my racks of woods on the front porch were untouched, and there’s ample wood to be had at the mulch site a few blocks away.

That leaves us with the most disturbing scenario of all: They were taken by a reader of this blog. For that to happen, it would have gone something like this:

“Hey Bugsy, the Koenigs have mushroom logs outside. They ain’t locked up or nothing. Why don’t we find out where they live, stake out their house for a few weeks until nobody's home, then sneak over to the log pile that’s right outside the neighbor’s window within full view of two other neighbors. Then we’ll make off with five of them logs, keep them watered throughout the year, maintaining a core moisture reading on the wood of no less than 35 percent at any time, and come next fall, we might just have ourselves enough ‘shrooms to garnish a couple of organic, locally grown salads.”

That doesn’t really sound all that likely either, but I’m having a hard time coming up with a more logical scenario of how these logs came to be somewhere other than where we put them in our yard. At least we still have seven logs.

What to do now? Call the ATF (bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Fungus) or FBI (Fungal Bureau of Inoculation)? Maybe I need to get a log chain. Our entire home security is called into question. I call on you, blog reader, for help. Next fall if someone tries to sell you some black-market Shiitakes, tip me off. Snitches and squealers will be rewarded.